I am feeling blue today, which is odd because I got out of the house on my own this morning sans Adam and Aiden AND I actually DID something that wasn't related to being a wife or mommy. I met some women from my church at a local restaurant for breakfast and afterward we went to paint pottery. It was nice to be out of the house and I was glad to get back in touch with my creative side for an hour or so. Then why so blue, you ask? Because I was overwhelmingly aware of how much my life changed almost one year ago.
While I was at the restaurant I realized that while some parts of my l
ife had been temporarily put on hold, everyone else's life has gone on as usual. The Bible Fellowship class that we belong to has grown and although we attend the class, I feel like a stranger to these people. When we got to the pottery place I felt even more out of place. I was sitting there thinking, "Wow, out of all of these girls, I'm the ONLY one who has a baby..." I conversed, making mostly small talk, and I listened to how this one and that one got together recently or how this one is having people over tonight and how everyone was going. Sure, the invitation was extended to Adam and me but I had to decline. "Aiden goes to bed around 8."
ife had been temporarily put on hold, everyone else's life has gone on as usual. The Bible Fellowship class that we belong to has grown and although we attend the class, I feel like a stranger to these people. When we got to the pottery place I felt even more out of place. I was sitting there thinking, "Wow, out of all of these girls, I'm the ONLY one who has a baby..." I conversed, making mostly small talk, and I listened to how this one and that one got together recently or how this one is having people over tonight and how everyone was going. Sure, the invitation was extended to Adam and me but I had to decline. "Aiden goes to bed around 8." Adam and I used to the the ones who loved to have people over for game night or dinner and a movie. That hasn't been so easy for us over the past year but we try to make seeing our friends work when possible. Our get-togethers are scheduled for earlier in the day now and we tend to make sure we are getting home no later than 8 o'clock if we go out. Going somewhere together at 8 has been out of the question for a loooong time.
I came home around 1:30 this afternoon to a sleeping baby and a hubby who was relaxing on the couch. After Aiden woke up we decided to take him out for his first trip to Krispy Kreme. On the way to KK I broke down and my poor husband didn't see it coming...
Between my sobs I told him how hard it is to be a part of a group that you can't really be a part of. I told him that while I love Aiden more than I ever knew that I would, I miss the other part of me, the part that needs to not be a mommy once in a while. I told him that our class has turned back into a class of mostly married couples without children and while these people are fun to be around, it's just a different lifestyle when you have a child to take care of. And while we do have wonderful friends that do have children, we can't rely on those few couples to be our world. Then there's family. We don't have that where we live either, and sometimes it's hard. Really hard. That's why friendships are so important to me. My friends are my local family.
Adam listened and didn't say much, but I know it's not the same for him. He's ultra independent and he also spends a large amount of his time out of the house having constant contact with the outside world. "We can try a different BF class," he offered, "but I don't think that will change anything." Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe the summer has just been difficult for me because everyone tends to get so busy when the warm weather strikes; graduations, holidays, vacations, barbecues, family gatherings. Maybe I'm just in a funk....
I'm still feeling a little blue, but it didn't take long for me to get over my sobbing fit when I saw the cutest little face enjoying his first ever bite of a Krispy Kreme donut.
I have my days; I'm human. And I really would like some things to change, but oh, man, that boy melts my heart. He certainly has changed my life, and despite my off day, I love him for it.
1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel...it's been something that I've felt for a looong while. Kinda how I told you the other day, that I really have to work at being a mom sometimes. The other side of me is just dying to get out. This weekend has been different because I spent more time away from C than usual, and B kept him. It was so refreshing, being out late, seeing old friends, etc. I teeter on the edge of trying to do more of my old hobbies vs. understanding what season of life I'm in. I feel like I know myself pretty well, and that I do need to do more stuff I used to...to get beyond mommy mode occasionally. I know you're in a different spot with not having immediate family around. Ok, so I'll wrap this up and would like to invite you and Aiden to either go swimming this week?? :) Maybe you need some extra vitamin D!
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